Intro and Day One: Heathrow to Horse drawn carriage.
Vienna? What comes to my mind is the waltz, coffee shops with cake and it was home of the Habsburg dynasty. I was aware of the Habsburg’s beforehand in that very British sense of the word i.e. they were in the middle of Europe and started the First World War. However I did a bit of proper research before our trip and discovered a family and story that puts the Tudors to shame. I don’t know why we seem to be obsessed with the Tudors… Henry II and his brood are far more interesting but thats a rant for a different time. Anyway if you’re vaguely interested I recommend The Habsburg’s By Martyn Rady but If you can’t be bothered with that watch Vienna: Empire, Dynasty and Dream which is very good and appears on iPlayer every now and then. It’s hosted by Simon Sebag Montefiore who, with a name like that really should have been a Bond Villain. I can’t imagine someone with that moniker being called over the tannoy at work to clean up a spill in aisle 17. It does make you think how much a name influences what someone will become. For Lyn what comes to mind when thinking about Vienna is The Spanish Riding School and horses, lots and lots of skipping horses and this was why we booked this trip. I’m glad we did as we’ve discovered so much more.
We booked this via Expedia which was a new experience and as this has gone okay I’ll use them again for our future short trips. It did give me a sense of unease as it’s all kinda booked separately and right up until we booked into the hotel I expecting them to say ’Nope we have no idea who you are’ but it all worked out perfectly.
Having a look at the traffic situation the night before we couldn’t work out if the major routes from the West Country to London were closed or open. This sorry state of affairs continued all the way with particular mention given to the person in control of the matrix signs on the M5. At no point did the messages have any relationship to what was happening on the road. The ‘Slow, Debris in Road’ coming miles after we had already run over some. Another sign saying lanes down to one… then nothing. The worst one was the sign saying that the M5 was closed at Bristol. I swore a bit but given the evidence of the other nonsense flashing up I decided to carry on especially as I never saw it repeated and by this point I was fairly sure some fuckery was taking place. So by ignoring all the warnings we managed to get to Heathrow 45 minutes ahead of schedule.
We only had hand luggage and I’d already checked us in so we went straight through security (I set the alarms off again) and then waited for our flight which was 40 minutes late taking off. However the pilot put his foot down and we ended up only being 5 minutes late at Vienna International Airport. We hadn’t booked a transfer because there’s a train station at the airport which runs straight to a main station called Wien Hauptbahnhof which was very close to our Hotel, Mooons.
A quick note here. For some reason I cannot understand German either written or spoken. It just won’t go into my head. I can normally pick up a few things but nothing was sinking in. I even tried to use one of those teach yourself a new language apps but to no avail. I'm going to blame war movies because the only thing I know is 'Achtung' 'Schnell' and "For you Tommy the war is over" spoken in a German accent but none of these things came up. I did learn that 'Wien' is what locals call Vienna. It's their city so of course they can call it what they like but it would be nice to pick a lane.
Despite getting to the hotel an hour early they gave us a room and we dumped our bags and went for an explore. Just around the corner from the hotel was the Belvedere Palace which use to be the residence of Prince Eugene (famous general) and is now an art gallery. Before getting to Vienna we had purchased and thing called the Vienna Pass. Not only did this give us access to a very good hop on hop off bus service but also entry to pretty much all the major attractions. This is a great idea and I don't know if other major cities do it but if they don't then they should.
I’m not an art lover but I know what I like. I certainly wouldn’t be sat in front of a painting staring at it for hours which some people were doing. To be frank I thought this was something that only happened in films. The big draw here is The Kiss by Gustav Klimt. It’s alright but I wouldn’t hang it on my wall. It was definitely better than the series of photos in the ‘modern art’ section which seemed to be depicting some chap turning his 'John Thomas' into a fish probably for some existential reason to protest man’s intolerance of man. After getting our fill of culture we got some cake in the cafe and then headed into the city centre via the bus.
The architecture in the city centre is monumental and grand, even boastful to English sensibilities but when you understand the history they had something to boast about. It is flat and fairly compact so walking around is easy and they have excellent public transport. We were hungry by this point, the cake not really filling a hole and we came across a wiener stand near the opera house so we thought we'd try that. The word 'wiener' is plastered everywhere which appeals to the 12 year old boy in me. They didn’t have any cola instead they had something called ‘Spezi’ which I’m fairly sure is pronounced ‘spit’ at least that’s what Lyn and I decided to call it and it was lovely. It's a drink thats apparently only available in German speaking countries but I’ve done a search on Amazon and shall be ordering a crate.
I had a wiener that had cheese in it and as soon as I bit into it hot melted cheese exploded out of it and onto my trousers in the groin area. As we are in the city of Sigmund Freud I’m sure he would have had a lot to say about that.
We soon came across some horse drawn carriages, this is a big feature of the city and Lyn almost ran over. She asked the chap if he was free and was starting to get on until I said ‘hadn’t we better find out how much it is?’ To which she said ‘No that doesn't matter’. It turns out that it’s €55 for 20 minutes or €90 for 40 minutes. I decided on the 20 minute ride as I was pretty sure we’d be doing it again. Lyn absolutely loved this and had a permanent grin on her face. I wasn’t as smitten especially when we were going over the cobblestones but I have to admit it does have a certain elegance.
After the ride I'd had enough. It had been a very long day which started at 2am and so we decided to go back to the hotel, get some food and retire for the night i.e. go to bed at 8pm.
Day Two: Sacher to Schönbrunn
We had already planned out today before we arrived. We headed for the city centre via the underground as it was only a couple of stops from the hotel. Even though we had the hop on hop off bus tickets we bought a 3 day travel pass which cost €17pp (£14) and gives you access to all public transport in the city, trains, buses, trams underground the lot! It also operates on the honour system. There are no barriers or anyone checking your ticket. If they tried that in the UK they'd go broke in a week.
A very famous place to eat is the Sacher Hotel/Cafe. This normally has massive queues but to our surprise there were none so we just wandered in. The big pull here is the Sacher Torte which they proclaim is the ‘original’. There's a dramatic story about this but you can look it up yourself if interested. Basically it’s a bit of chocolate cake, you get a coffee with it and for this they charge €20 (£17). Here’s my review. It’s a little dry and the dark chocolate is very rich and slightly bitter. I liked it but honestly it’s not worth the money in of itself. However you are paying for the experience and to be able to say you had a Sacher Torte in Vienna. Lyn had a Viennese breakfast which consisted of bread cheese meats and a soft boiled egg and came in at €26. Their truffled ham probably adds considerably to this cost but seeing what you get at other establishments this isn’t too bad. On a side note I’ve noticed that Austrians seem to love eggs... and leather trousers!
Our next stop was the Schönbrunn or Summer palace. This was where the Habsburg's, as the name implies, spent the summer months. Apparently the grounds are bigger than the state of Monaco! They also contain the world’s oldest zoo that’s still in operation.
We got on the bus and made our way out to the palace. Schönbrunn makes Buckingham Palace look like a council flat at least from the outside, I’ve never been in. The wealth and power to build something like this is quite frankly beyond my imagination. It even has a private railway station that was built just for Emperor Franz Joseph and he only used it twice as he didn’t trust trains. Inside the opulence continues but unfortunately in the dark. They do this in British stately homes as well. Blinds are drawn and curtains pulled in an attempt to stop everything fading in the sun so you never really get the proper effect which is a pity. Lyn bought a book.
Our Vienna pass gave us access to the land train (toot, toot) which drives around the estate stopping at various sites so we took that to the zoo. I’m not a fan of zoo’s but Lyn loves them. The zoo is on a hill so I made a rule that we would only see animals that were downhill or on the flat. Fortunately for Lyn the pandas were downhill from our drop off point as was the polar bear and giraffes. The elephants were on a slight incline so they could fuck right off. The panda was playing (or maybe not playing) dead in a tree which is exactly what the one in Calgary zoo was doing when we saw that 5 years ago. We got back on the land train to explore the rest of the estate and Lyn was very happy, it was like following a very excited child around. She exclaimed what a good day it had been so far.
On the way back to the city I took the picture below which has a horse and carriage stopped at the traffic lights. The driver has a fag in his gob, checking out his phone while one of the horses takes a giant piss. I think I should sell this to Vienna city council to use as their next tourist poster.
It was early afternoon so we made our way to the Wiener Riesenrad or giant ferris wheel. Surprisingly this was the tallest one in the world until 1985!? Our Vienna pass gave us access to this so why not. It did give some nice views but Lyn got a bit nervous when everybody went to one side to look out and it rocked ever so gently.
We are far too old to even contemplate any of the other rides at the amusement park so went back to the centre for some food. We had a chicken wienerschnitzel. Honestly it’s a chicken burger that’s been run over. I can’t see having pork or veal would make any difference either to taste or texture. It’s served with boiled parsley potatoes and the best I can say about it is that it’s filling. I don’t think I’m being too controversial when I say Austrian cuisine is shit. We’ve tried the most obvious stuff on this trip and it's all universally terrible. The biggest issue as far as I can work out is the lack of sides and I’m pretty sure there must be a law that bans any green veg. I was chatting to the night receptionist at the hotel about the food and he'd been to the UK a few times and tried fish and chips which he thought was disgusting, so each to their own. They do make a good cake, I’ll give them that.
Day Three: Mozart to Monet
The following day was Lyn’s birthday and the whole purpose of the trip. To see the skippy horses in their natural environment at the Spanish Riding School. This wasn’t until 10 so we had a bit of time to kill so after breakfast we went to St Stephen’s Cathedral to have a look inside and get a view from the top. I’d done a bit of research on this and there are 2 towers, a north and south. The south tower is the big impressive one but you have to walk up a lot of stairs. The north tower has a lift and nice views so that was the one for us. The lift is very small with only enough room for about 4 people at a time. It could have probably taken a few more if not for the giant lady who was twice my size and the lift attendant.
We’d pre booked seats for the horses and I’m glad we did. It wasn’t a full show just a practice but the place was rammed. This was made ever so slightly worse by the group who had booked the poshest seats (they had a bit of padding) but had turned up a day late. This made me laugh. How can you mess up that badly? If it had been me Lyn would have been explaining to Austrian police how I’d “accidentally” fallen into the Danube.
Once it started I was immediately bored but it wasn’t my day so I did my very best not to fidget. You're not allowed to take pictures (you can't in the museums either) but Lyn had developed a technique with her phone in Schönbrunn that because it folds it doesn't look very obvious if you take a surreptitious photo. However subtlety isn't Lyns strong point so after a few pictures and to stop the temptation I took her phone away. The only semi highlight for me was when one of the young ladies who were riding the horses around stopped in front of us. I thought she had an itchy arse and was having a good scratch but it turns out the long tail coats they wear have a a secret pocket in which they keep horse treats. Lyn says I need a similar coat for her... but with jelly snakes.
As we were at the Hofburg Palace we took the opportunity to explore. This is truly monumental and one of the biggest palace complexes in the world. I honestly don’t have the words to explain the scale of the place and the pictures don’t do it justice. As far as I can work out it’s all been converted to public use. It houses the National Library, conference centres and quite a few museums, the main one being the Sisi museum. Empress Elisabeth or Sisi is, from what I can gather, the Austrian version of Princess Di. There is a Netflix show about her ‘The Empress’, which is okay and Lyn enjoyed. I believe there will be a 2nd season so watch that. The museum was very dark, it was almost like a haunted house and was packed with people… Schönbrunn is better.
It was now time for lunch and we stopped at the Mozart Cafe. I had a Mozart Sausage just for giggles. It was awful. Because the main course was so bad I thought we try pudding. It took quite some time for mine to arrive and was unceremoniously dumped on the table. Thinking Lyn’s wasn’t too far behind I started eating. I finished mine and a good 10-15 minutes later Lyn’s turned up. Quite frankly this is unacceptable. When we came to pay the waiter asked how much of a tip I wanted to give. I said ‘No tip’. He looked positively miffed and said ‘aren’t you happy?’ ‘I couldn’t be bothered so just said ‘I don’t believe in it. It’s an American nonsense’. The waiter didn’t seem to want to let it go and said ‘ it’s also a thing you do in Viennese cafe if you are happy’. I said ‘No I don’t do it’ I paid and we left.
I felt very annoyed by this exchange. It was the sense of entitlement the guy displayed and he wasn’t a young man. I genuinely think tipping is wrong on 2 points. Firstly why should someone get extra money just for doing the job they’re getting paid to do? IF they happen to do something above and beyond or outside the parameters of their employment then fair enough but otherwise no. Secondly especially in US, tipping is as an excuse by employers not to pay their staff properly and it’s a vile American thing that has spread across the world like… The Kardashian's.
It had been quite a long day so far so we went back to the hotel for a little nap. I’m pretty sure it was only 10 minutes but Lyn insists it was an hour. Suitably refreshed we headed back out to one of the oldest (established in1566 but apparently goes back to 1406) restaurants/pubs in Vienna called Gösser Bierklinik (according to Google translate this means 'Bigger Beer Clinic') as it had been pointed out on our carriage ride. We were just going to have a beer just to say we had done it but decided to eat. We both ordered a pork cordon bleu which sounded quite nice. Turns out it was a breaded pork steak that had been wrapped in cheese and ham… and then run over. Again there were no sides included in the price and we had to order chips separately at an extra cost, even the ketchup would have been extra. It was alright. High praise for Austrian food.
As it was our last night and the previous ones had seen us in bed fairly early we decided to make the most of it. Vienna at night is very pretty and we wandered around taking a few pictures. We ended up back at the wiener stall so decided to get some more spit (Spezi). The Albertina Museum was right there and was open so we thought we'd go inside. They had 3 main exhibitions going, Michelangelo, Joel Sternfeld and Monet to Picasso. Neither of us were impressed with Michelangelo's stuff. Joel Sternfeld is an American photographer (the photos were from the 1970/80s) which was meh. Lyn did like one photo of a house on fire as she thought it was funny. We both agreed that Pablo Picasso's stuff is utter garbage. I liked the Paul Signac paintings but the biggest surprise is Lyn is now a huge Monet fan! So much so that she even bought a print. She also liked some of Toulouse-Lautrec's work so we'll definitely have to go to Paris.
That was pretty much it. Our flight wasn't until the afternoon so we had one more breakfast this time in the Cafe Central which is another must see place that generates huge queues, but not early in the morning. The Viennese/tourists don't seem to do early mornings so top tip there. We did a bit of last minute shopping and then just relaxed while we waited to go to the airport for our flight (this was also an hour late) and got back home by midnight.
I'll be honest Vienna wouldn't have been in my top 5 places to visit, possibly not even top 10 but that's an error on my part. It's a magnificent city, easy to get around and lots to see and do. Public transport is cheap and the hotel and flights for both of us cost just £657. We've probably spent double that again on food, tat, passes, parking, etc but you can have quite a cheap and fulfilling break if you don't do things like spend €20 on a slice of chocolate cake and a cup of coffee for example.
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