The day started early for me and I left the room about 4am and made my way to Saint Marks Square to see what it looked like at night. Venice is eerily quiet in the small hours due to the lack of roads and therefore the constant road noise of cars. There were surprisingly few people about which again felt a bit odd for a city or even town. Normally you’d see a few late night or early morning drunks wandering around but the closest I saw was 2 police officers who seemed to be passing the time taking pictures of each other.
After taking a few photos of my own I went back to the room and Lyn and I had a very shit breakfast at the hotel as it was included. We’d booked an all day tour of the city as we wanted to maximise as much as we could in our one full day. Our starting point was near the Rialto Bridge. We’d been there yesterday so I thought I had a rough idea but Venice is very confusing to Navigate. I’ve no idea how anyone got around the city before Google Maps. There are a myriad of narrow streets surrounded by 4/5 story buildings that all look similar with no visible points of reference. Even with Google I’m pretty sure we’ve not done the same route twice. The first part of the tour was fairly standard stuff that included a gondola ride which got stuck in a traffic jam but I won’t bore you with that. Instead I’ll just offer a few observations.
Firstly I can only imagine you’d bring children to Venice with the, let’s say unconscious hope, that they might fall in a canal. ‘Oh no! How sad! I didn’t think my uncontrollable child would fall in’. Seriously, go before you have them or after you’ve got rid of them (legally) but don’t bother otherwise there’s nothing here for them. There are a lot of Americans, half our tour group was made up of them. In fact Venice seems to have more Americans in it than Venetian’s. No Russians though which is an unexpected bonus of the war in Ukraine.
Lyn noticed that if Italian men need to ‘scratch’ they just go for it. There’s no pretending you’re looking for your keys which is a nice freedom… for men. Speaking of freedom I’ve never been somewhere where so many women went without bra’s. I’m all for woman’s lib ‘Free the Bristol Two’ I say.
There’s normally one stand-out couple in these guided tours (apart from us of course) and this was Darren or (Dazzie-Boy which he probably likes to be called but people try not to) and Brenda… maybe. I have no idea what their real names are or their age, but I’m guessing older than us. It was very hard to tell due to the almost lethal amounts of Botox they must have had pumped into their faces along with industrial amounts of hair dye and tans that either came from a bottle or a machine. In fact both of them had so much Botox I think neither of them were able to close their mouths as at no point throughout the day did I see either of them with lips sealed, even when sat looking at nothing. Dazzie-Boy was dressed in a T shirt, shorts and gold chains although the vest under the T-shirt and socks with his Nike sandals gave the game away a bit. You can probably guess what Brenda was wearing and it wasn’t suitable for the Basilica and she had to buy a scarf to cover up.
We had lunch in the oldest and therefore most expensive restaurant in Venice. In fact the guide said it was the oldest in Italy. Its called Florian on St Marks Square. A ham croissant, a club sandwich and two Coke’s came in at €73! This included €12 for the fucking band! I had to stop Lyn shouting ‘keep going I’m paying for this’ when they stopped for a break. We did think about nicking a plate and some cutlery just to get our monies worth but settled for some paper napkins with the crest on instead.
After lunch we did the Basilica and the Dodge Palace, two amazing buildings and ‘must dos’ on any trip to Venice. Unsurprisingly our guide made no mention of the fact that it was the British who rebuilt the Bell Tower or that it was Lord Byron who invented the name ‘Bridge of Sighs’. I’m going to sound like a bit of ‘gammon’ but if people are going to talk about the bad the British have done, and theirs a fair bit, you should also mention the good bits when appropriate. It was then a trip to the top of the Bell Tower, another €70 for an at best average meal and some final tat shopping and that was that. There’s loads more to say but honestly this could turn in to a short novella.
We are now sat at the airport penned off in a separate section away from most facilities having gone through passport control… Thanks Brexit! You are the turd that just keeps giving. I have a bit of time hence I’m writing and can reflect a little on our short break.
It’s been very hectic. 2 nights is too short. The reality is we just had one day and have done so much running around trying to get everything in I feel knackered. I would have enjoyed it more if we’d had another day. On the other hand 4 nights would probably be too long and would run the risk of bankruptcy. My original thought of having 3 nights in these breaks seems about right. Venice itself is unique, there will never be anything like it again and despite it being, as our tour guide said ‘An empty shell of what it once was’ is somewhere you NEED to see. I did have a vague dream of being stuck here and through a set of unlikely circumstances, which includes a few laughs, shocks, some tears and an unexpected encounter with a talking Wildebeest called Malcolm I end up being voted as the ‘Dodge’ in the new Venetian Republic. Maybe I’ll write that story but in the mean time, if you’ve not been, Go! Go while it’s still here in all its illogical glory and of course before the comet hits.
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